Monday, June 4, 2012

Fifty Shades of FUCKED up!

I started this blog for my ranting, and posting pictures and stories for all that had to do with Twilight and of course my love of hockey.  I however never thought that this would be the place I came to, to have to defend, explain or identify myself when I am missing.

But it is my platform, so I do choose to do that now.

I discovered Twilight late, I found it when my then boyfriend’s father passed away and I was told,” this is the dirtiest clean book series you will ever read”. Breaking Dawn was not out yet, and I was reading them feverishly they became my escape from reality.  It became so addictive that I passed them on to anyone and everyone; you would have thought I was trying to win a grand prize for getting people “converted” to Twilightism. 

Soon after I found the series I was convinced to join Twitter. I was told, “it was the instant gratification that you couldn’t get from Facebook”. Well, in most of my travels and since I was about 16, I became Absolut with something after it so for my love the Absolut Vodka ads and my love and passion for Twilight, I merged them both and became AbsolutTwilight.

It was used mainly and primarily for my personal account. I had no idea that three years later I would be blogging about Twilight and quite frankly anything that tickles my fancy.

Shortly after joining twitter, I saw my friends talking to different Twilight characters, a Felix and a Demetri and an Edward Cullen.  Curiosity got the best of me and, questioned, talked, swooned and flirted my way down the path known as Role play.

We can safely say an obsession was born.

Role play is not as dirty as you make it sound. Don’t get me wrong it can be; if done properly –winks– but it is all about creative expression. No one on twitter or that has read Twilight thinks twice about reading any fan fics, or looks down at anyone for writing them, Role-play or RP is nothing different, it’s about making your favorite story or stories come to life.

Role play became my escape, borderline obsession even. Real life can be a drag when you are taking care of your disabled mother and do not go out as often as you like. You can control your destiny and be immortal and invincible so why not.

Who I RP is not important, I want to keep that part away from my personal life. I can say I have played one character for about two years; she is my main love and passion. I have played others as well, but none are as much fun as this character I have molded and made my own.  Many in the RP community, which is not as big as one would think; and I am sure you know someone who plays, have that one character that either they can relate to, or just enjoy playing to the fullest.

Rping became almost a way of life for me and I even started my own RP family. I am very proud of the fact that is has been around for two years now. We have all become like a family, -laughs- a dysfunctional family at times, but a family none the less.  We are a very tight knit group and we are very protective, sometimes a little over protective of each other, but the love and loyalty that we share or shared was and is genuine.

I am very happy to say that since I made my family I have made some very good friends along the way and even picked a boyfriend through it ( I did NOT RP to find him, love happened on the way).  I cherish the bonds created and the love and loyalty is like nothing that I have ever experienced in my life, and I am blessed to call Heidi, Jane, Bella, Marcus, Liam and my beloved Demetri my friends in the real world as well.

When a tragedy strikes one of us, it affects us all.

We were rocked when one of our family members had to take a leave absence from our site, for personal reasons.  That person was our collective mojo if you will, but I will get back to this, I missed a few steps with me along the way (that seems to be my theme, missing steps).

Back in September my world was rocked when my uncle who is my world, had a massive stroke.  It was really touch and go with him for a while. I am the head of the family legally speaking and I had to make some rough and tough decisions.  I have never been more thankful for my family the ones that I have come to love from RP that have crept into my real life. They really held me together and were my rock.

I’d be lost without their constant love and support. Their love came in various ways and times as we are all scattered over the globe and they seemed to know when I needed them and popped on or texted or what have you. I will never be able to repay them for all their love and support, I am truly blessed.

I really fell back on RP during this time as I needed a major escape from reality and to have some sort of fun. My days were filled with doctor visits, hospitals and a shit load of legal and financial meetings. RP was the only thing to save me mentally. I became more obsessed with it by the day. I was too tired to go out and this was the only entertainment I had to keep me sane and busy.

I wasn’t really sane though, as I was losing myself and focusing on the every move of everyone I came in contact with in RP. Some were good and some were bad. But I had my main group of lovelies to keep me together.

This brings me back to my last point of our world being rocked.

When my dear friend, left us for the real world, I was lost. I became more distracted. I never realized how much I was dependant on her for my sanity. I was very greedy. I DMed and called and texted like a good friend, but I was no help to her.  I was losing myself faster and faster and sinking and I couldn’t be the friend I needed to be for her.  While she was going through this, I was personally struck two more times. Once again my uncle needed me, 3 seizures and a heart condition later, I am hitting rock bottom.

She came back and I bickered and yelled and climb on her every word and not in the good way. What’s that saying you only hurt those that you are close to?  That is on miserable saying if you ask me.  I adore my friendship with her and many other and I am pushing them away, and it’s just not right.

Friendship is supposed to be give and take and I seem to only be taking and pushing away. I need to learn to be a better listener and a better friend, not only to those around me, but to myself as well.

I am taking some time away from blogging and RP to find me again to be happy with me once more. I am sorry I cannot be around more often than I am at the moment, but I am losing it or lost it.  I have said for years now, when RP isn’t any fun anymore, it’s time to leave it, but the junkie in me just can’t bear to leave the characters behind.  So my own leave of absence is in order.

Twilight and RP have been all consuming of me for some time and I need to once regain my happiness and make time for me and -gasps- even leave my house more often.

Blogging is my passion, but if I am not posting as often as I was, there is the reason. My escape is not my escape but almost a prison, and that needs to change and improve.

Improving myself will help me better a person and a better friend to all.

Thanks for understanding and all your love and support.  I will be around, just not as much as I think I need to be.


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